Socially Single: After a break-up, chill out

Kelsey Foster

Soo…you just got dumped. Kicked to the curb. Got your heart smashed to bits. After a break-up has sent your emotionally reeling, it’s very normal to want to rush right out and couple up with someone new.

You may want to squelch those feelings of loneliness before they take hold so you immediately seek out someone new. Or, feeling rejected, you use a new relationship as a means to prove your worth. “See?!!? I’m loveable!”

In both cases, you are entering a new relationship looking to “get” something rather than from a place of giving. Which isn’t the most sustainable or solid foundation to start from. And it’s a jerk-move to play with someone else’s emotions just to make yourself feel better.

It is uncomfortable to confront sadness. It’s no fun to just “sit” in your feelings of rejection or loneliness. I get it, I’ve been there. The harsh truth is that until you take some time to process through the yuck of a break-up, you will carry it forward in to your new relationship. Even a master at repressing and ignoring can’t escape it.

So, how do you chill out after a break-up and how do you know you are done chillin’ and can get back out there?

To chill out after a break-up, it’s important to continue to be social. Even if you just want to stay home and talk to your dog 🙂 Keep spending time with friends and family. Try out a new class or activity. Join a Meetup group to fill up your social calendar. Make a goal related to your career and work toward it. No matter what, do things that bring you joy.

You should also actively work on processing your feelings. Writing out your thoughts helps. Letting go of blame is powerful. Come up with a list of the good things you learned or enjoyed from your time with your ex. Read books about healing heartbreak or even consider seeking out a qualified therapist who can help you work through the muck. The more time you spend dealing with the not-so-fun stuff, the quicker you will get through it.

The best way to know you’ve processed enough is when you no longer feel anger or sadness toward your last relationship. The time period varies from person to person. There is no rule of how long it should or shouldn’t take. And understand it may not be a straight or quick path to “getting over it”. But if you take some time to process and heal, I can tell you that eventually you will be ready to get back out there and find love again. A good, healthy, amazing love!

Kelsey Foster is a dating and relationship coach in Edmonds. She has released a new book titled Improve Your Love-itude available on Amazon. Find out more information about Kelsey on her website

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